Christmas Gifts for Coeliacs and Allergy Folk: an alternative guide

It's December! If you've not yet done your Christmas shopping for coeliac or allergic loved ones - or dropped hints about what you'd like if you're the one with allergies or intolerances - then you'll want to take every word of what follows with a fistful of salt ...

Kicking us off, what lover of fine art could possibly be disappointed to find a Canvas Print of False-colour SEM of intestinal villi (right) in their stocking? Ready to hang, and yours for a penny shy of £70, the rendering in various shades of brown doesn't remind the viewer whatsoever of what one's bowels normally get up to, and would gracefully adorn (or fuel) any living room fireplace.

If that doesn't do it for you, surely David Gifford's Artist's Depiction of Coeliac Disease is a must-have for the gluten intolerant in your life? Let's face it - who wouldn't want a rendering of a swollen-bellied man grim-faced at having carelessly wandered naked into a wheat field on a hot summer's day on their wall? Splash out on a 91x122 cm print, with frame, and it'll only set you back £234.99!

If that tops your budget, then perhaps an Artist's Depiction of Coeliac Disease Keepsake Box, at £22.50, might appeal? (NB. Other Gluten Enteropathy Keepsake Boxes are available.)

Still not convinced? Then Artist's Depiction of Coeliac Disease Flip Flops (left) will surely do the job. A snip at £13. Who needs Havaianas?

Puzzle-loving loved one to buy for? This 300-piece 'Home Made Jam on Toast Made From Gluten Free Bread with Silver Spoon' Jigsaw will keep them fully occupied till at least 9.30am on Christmas morning.

Ladies! Why not accessorise with this Intestinal Villi Wristlet Clutch Bag? It's not at all gross, and could serve as a useful educational prop when engaging with food service providers about cross-contamination.

Let's not forget those with allergy.

Something for the home? An 'Asthma is Sexy' Inhaler Throw Pillow will brighten up the dullest of living quarters, while a Round Dust Mite Ornament will serve both a decorative purpose and a practical one - as a handy reminder to run a vacuum about the place periodically.

Meanwhile, the Allergens in Trachea Pillow Case (above) will surely help you doze off while gently recalling the day's wheezing highlights.

Clothing is perennially popular too. Some No Peanut Earrings would nicely offset a Japanese Hay Fever Hat. Sexy underwear for your anaphylactic partner? Nothing says 'I need you, baby' like a Food Allergies Classic Thong. It's only a tenner! The boys need not feel sidelined in the style wars: a Penicillin Allergy Alert Tie is perhaps second only to an Innate Immune System Cells tie when it comes to matters sartorial, but either will bring him out in a smile (or rash?).

Fans of the Bristol Stool Chart are amply catered for this season. I'm not quite sure what to make of a Bristol Stool Chart Service Tray (other than FORTY TWO POUNDS?), but a Bristol Stool Chart Wall Clock could come in handy should you wish to time your evacuations as well as accurately grade them.

Continuing the theme, this Bristol Stool Chart Coaster is an affordable £4.99 - good job it's a "wipe clean" item, just in case anyone should leave a deposit.

And surely there's nothing finer than Bristol Stool Chart Wrapping Paper to parcel up your crappy gifts this year?

Finally, greeting cards. None are Christmas-themed, per se, but on the plus side, should you have any left over you can use them to bring joy to recipients' lives after December 25th too - even next Christmas, should you have any friends left.

You may first like to marvel at the very existence of the Epipen Adrenaline Syringe and Peanuts Greetings Card, or the Small Intestinal Villi Greetings Card, or indeed the Mast Cell Releasing Histamine Greeting Card, or (not for the squeamish) Dermatitis Herpetiformis Vintage Greeting Card.

But ultimately I'm confident you'll settle for the following for your yuletide greetings. Because, ahem, trumping them all is this exquisite Endoscopy Greeting Card (right) - which is without doubt the ultimate means through which to send ... seasanal greetings.

Bottoms up!